It’s been about a week now, and I feel good. Ok, good’s not a great way to describe it, but I’m alive, how about that?
It’s a good day when I don’t cry in hospital, and today I’ve cried twice. From patients dying on me to abusive family members, I don’t think anyone ever gets paid enough to be on the receiving end of shit like that.
So personal shit is bad, workplace shit is also bad. But hey-ho, I’m recovering. I’m realising that I don’t need to be in a destructive relationship to feel ‘loved’ and ‘happy’.
There is no way right now I can even commit myself to a date, let alone another relationship. I’m slowly recovering from this nightmare that I’ve been living in for years. I was literally set to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life, and he came and threw a tornado through my life. And now he’s gone and left this wreckage that I’m slowly picking up the pieces to.
A lot of people will say that I deserve to be alone, and I completely agree. I can’t drag another innocent human being into my crazy life, and I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable that I’ll let another person potentially shatter my heart and spit on it.
It’s upsetting because I want to be at a stage in my life where I am happy, strong, independent. And unfortunately right now all I am is vulnerable, scared, unhappy. I need to distance myself from everyone so that I don’t fall into that trap of moving from one relationship onto another because I’m ‘needy’.
So here’s to new starts, it’s going to be good!
I feel strangely liberated and relieved. I have no one to live for except myself, I am free to do what I want when I want. Yet, I know that although there are people who would want to be with me, I am not ready. I am free from the jealousy, insecurities, and fleeting emotions of what once was, and filled with confidence and an eagerness to explore what the future holds :)
Are you ready world? I am coming for you!
It’s just one crap thing after another.
Sod’s law states that everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
It’s like the Gods have something against us. That we were destined to meet, to fall in love, and to never be together.
I feel cheated. I feel cheated of a great love that I could have had, should have had, and would have had.
Please, if there is a God out there. Cut us some goddamn slack. Please can you not see that we are HAPPY together?! Give us that opportunity, away from all the rest of the shit, to just BE.
I want to be carefree. To pick up a bag, to hold his hand, and to travel the world. I want our meetings to be natural, loving, free, fun, and relaxing. I feel we have been robbed of our time to just be us. I feel like so many things, so many people have got in our way, are still in our way.
I’m exhausted. Not because of him, or us. But because of how the universe has been unfair on us. We’ve had to work so hard at something that should be so simple.
Please God, Jesus, almighty Allah. Someone out there hear my plea. Just cut us some slack, and let us have our time to be together.
Those words that I had been dreaming to hear from him. It was the most sad situation to hear such words, as he cried, and I cried, it was a moment of intense vulnerability and pure emotion that it was almost unbearable. But it was beautiful, the honesty that came out of our night, because that was make or break. But we are one, and in that moment, I’ve never wanted to be with someone so much as I did him. I wanted to shield him from the entire world, to tell him that he didn’t have to be scared anymore, to hold him so tightly and to never let go. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me, and to tell him to fight for me.
And as we lay in bed, when I looked into those sad, wet, tired eyes of his, I knew that I wanted him. My heart almost broke in 2. From the pain, and from the sadness. The pain, and realisation of a person who lied to me for so long, but also the desperation and sadness that he wanted to make it better.
And suddenly he looked so young, he looked lost, vulnerable, scared. And I wanted to protect him, from all that pain.
I can’t wait for the day when I can call him mine, when I don’t have to share him with anyone else, where I can have all his love, and passion. For someone to trust my secrets, my fears, and my ambitions with. I hope that that day comes soon, and we can have our ‘summer’, one which we talked of so fondly and with so much excitement. To go on our adventures and walks hand in hand, to take silly photos and bathe in the warmth of us. And maybe for me that’s all a dream I have created in my head, but I’m hoping with all my heart that it will come true.
Don’t promise that you will never hurt me, just promise that you will never lie to me.
I love you too.