Just let it go. Just let. it. go.
If this is the worst that it’s going to be, then it can only get better right?
So far you can only see the worst in everything, which includes him.
Why doesn’t he treat me more than a friend? Why won’t he hold my hand in public? Why won’t he even tell me that he misses me? Why can’t he show any form of emotional commitment? Why is this as far from a ‘relationship’ as it can be?
I’m hoping that it will all get better after exams. But it may not right? This may just be how it is. And then I’ll have to decide if it’s enough or not. It won’t be.
Just because we started off as something that wasn’t anything doesn’t mean that I’d settle for anything less than a proper relationship.
I don’t think he understands.
Or maybe he just can’t be bothered…
Only time will tell, but right now. Just let it go.
Just let. It. Go.
Tonight, I wish for this melatonin to kick in and knock me out. I’m tired of life.
3 years it’s been. 3 years since I’ve taken something to my body knowingly wanting to harm it.
And you didn’t stop me. You didn’t stop me.
Because you wanted to sleep, you were selfish. At the end of this, if you have a degree and a great job, that’s fine. But although the timing is awful, I am kn this situation because of you, and you have not helped me. You abandoned me when I needed you most because you were looking out for yourself.
I feel so horribly let down by you. So let down.
If you can’t help take the pain away, it demnds to be felt.
Guess I’m an expert at not letting things scar now, me and my little secret from the world.
The searing pain, that had to replace the pain that you inflicted upon me. These are the physical wounds that go with the mental.
- You are stronger than you realise.
- You are crueller than you realise.
- The smallest words will break your heart.
- You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
- People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
- You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
- You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
- You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
- Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
- Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
- You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
- Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
- You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
- Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
- You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
- You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
- You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
- Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
- People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
- You will be okay.
- You will be okay.