August 26th, 2014
Relationships don’t only fail because the person you’re with turns out to be the wrong person; they also fail when you yourself aren’t yet the person you need to be. If you aren’t yet capable of being in a loving relationship then the two of you are doomed.
 
August 24th, 2014

Don’t be afraid

I cannot be afraid to fall and to be alone. I’m tired of people screwing around with my emotions, why can’t people just be honest, and simple?!

If you like someone, be with them, and work it out from there. Don’t make a million and one excuses about why it can’t happen! I’m exhausted of trying to ‘read’ people, for it to suddenly blow up in my face.

You think this job churns out people who communicate well? No, it churns out people who hide behind a wall of ‘i’m sorry’s and verbal diarrhoea.

So fine. I will back off. I will back off everyone.

It’s hard to believe that you won’t spend the rest of your days solo when you watch friends, family and acquaintances tying the knot or starting families. Everyone has a different path, and out of the infinite combinations in the universe, being single at any point in your life is absolutely a possible outcome, and it could very well have nothing to do with anything intrinsic.
August 12th, 2014
But, if in the end he disappoints you and hurts you, just move forward and continue to go through life with optimism about what genuine love and trust can bring. Because trust me, it’s beautiful.

The end… of the start?

It’s been about a week now, and I feel good. Ok, good’s not a great way to describe it, but I’m alive, how about that?

It’s a good day when I don’t cry in hospital, and today I’ve cried twice. From patients dying on me to abusive family members, I don’t think anyone ever gets paid enough to be on the receiving end of shit like that. 

So personal shit is bad, workplace shit is also bad. But hey-ho, I’m recovering. I’m realising that I don’t need to be in a destructive relationship to feel ‘loved’ and ‘happy’. 

There is no way right now I can even commit myself to a date, let alone another relationship. I’m slowly recovering from this nightmare that I’ve been living in for years. I was literally set to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life, and he came and threw a tornado through my life. And now he’s gone and left this wreckage that I’m slowly picking up the pieces to. 

A lot of people will say that I deserve to be alone, and I completely agree. I can’t drag another innocent human being into my crazy life, and I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable that I’ll let another person potentially shatter my heart and spit on it. 

It’s upsetting because I want to be at a stage in my life where I am happy, strong, independent. And unfortunately right now all I am is vulnerable, scared, unhappy. I need to distance myself from everyone so that I don’t fall into that trap of moving from one relationship onto another because I’m ‘needy’.

So here’s to new starts, it’s going to be good! 

August 11th, 2014

I feel strangely liberated and relieved. I have no one to live for except myself, I am free to do what I want when I want. Yet, I know that although there are people who would want to be with me, I am not ready. I am free from the jealousy, insecurities, and fleeting emotions of what once was, and filled with confidence and an eagerness to explore what the future holds :)

Are you ready world? I am coming for you!

August 10th, 2014
Trying to pretty up my room :)

Trying to pretty up my room :)

And to be happy, alone, and with friends :)

And to be happy, alone, and with friends :)

Resentment is an ugly emotion and can lead you to not only feel sorry for yourself, but also to hold on to things you need to let go.
August 3rd, 2014
#putney #thames

#putney #thames

July 30th, 2014
Londoners work so hard. Train station full, and I feel sick from how early it is right now!

Londoners work so hard. Train station full, and I feel sick from how early it is right now!

July 27th, 2014
I did it! It’s still not too late to donate, we’re so close to the target now!

I did it! It’s still not too late to donate, we’re so close to the target now!

I’m his bad luck charm

It’s just one crap thing after another.

Sod’s law states that everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

It’s like the Gods have something against us. That we were destined to meet, to fall in love, and to never be together.

I feel cheated. I feel cheated of a great love that I could have had, should have had, and would have had.

Please, if there is a God out there. Cut us some goddamn slack. Please can you not see that we are HAPPY together?! Give us that opportunity, away from all the rest of the shit, to just BE.

I want to be carefree. To pick up a bag, to hold his hand, and to travel the world. I want our meetings to be natural, loving, free, fun, and relaxing. I feel we have been robbed of our time to just be us. I feel like so many things, so many people have got in our way, are still in our way.

I’m exhausted. Not because of him, or us. But because of how the universe has been unfair on us. We’ve had to work so hard at something that should be so simple.

Please God, Jesus, almighty Allah. Someone out there hear my plea. Just cut us some slack, and let us have our time to be together.

July 24th, 2014
I think unrequited love is just as valid as any other kind, it’s just as crushing and just as thrilling. No matter what happens in this situation, I want you to remember that what you are doing is selfless and beautiful and kind. You are loving someone purely because you love them, not because you think you’ll ever have your affections reciprocated. You are admiring something for its beauty, without needing to own it. Feel good about being the kind of person who loves selflessly. I think someday you’ll find someone who loves you in that exact same way.
July 23rd, 2014

"I love you" he said

Those words that I had been dreaming to hear from him. It was the most sad situation to hear such words, as he cried, and I cried, it was a moment of intense vulnerability and pure emotion that it was almost unbearable. But it was beautiful, the honesty that came out of our night, because that was make or break. But we are one, and in that moment, I’ve never wanted to be with someone so much as I did him. I wanted to shield him from the entire world, to tell him that he didn’t have to be scared anymore, to hold him so tightly and to never let go. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me, and to tell him to fight for me. 

And as we lay in bed, when I looked into those sad, wet, tired eyes of his, I knew that I wanted him. My heart almost broke in 2. From the pain, and from the sadness. The pain, and realisation of a person who lied to me for so long, but also the desperation and sadness that he wanted to make it better. 

And suddenly he looked so young, he looked lost, vulnerable, scared. And I wanted to protect him, from all that pain. 

I can’t wait for the day when I can call him mine, when I don’t have to share him with anyone else, where I can have all his love, and passion. For someone to trust my secrets, my fears, and my ambitions with. I hope that that day comes soon, and we can have our ‘summer’, one which we talked of so fondly and with so much excitement. To go on our adventures and walks hand in hand, to take silly photos and bathe in the warmth of us. And maybe for me that’s all a dream I have created in my head, but I’m hoping with all my heart that it will come true. 

Don’t promise that you will never hurt me, just promise that you will never lie to me. 

I love you too.