Forgive and forget

It’s easier to forget and move on when there is no stimulus, no reminder of what you left behind. 

What makes it even harder is the unwillingness to accept being unhappy and miserable. Especially because the source of what makes you happy is there infront of you, staring at you from across the room.

So much do I want to reach out and grab hold of it, and to never let go. How much I want to just lie in the quiet company of eachother’s breathing. 

Mostly, I hope you feel it too, and it’s not just me. I don’t want it to be the end, I don’t know what I would do if it was. 

I just want to be in your company. 

Do you miss me?

Because I sure as hell miss you. 

So much that it hurts. 

Life is boring, empty, lonely, without you. 

The silly jokes and stories of our day, I miss it all. 

‘It’s the right thing to do.’

There is so much more to say.

I never wished more in life for a conventional love story.

I wish that you would fight for your emotions, that it’s not so easy for you to just walk away from me.

I want to be loved deeply, and to feel excitement every time I see your face.

I don’t want it to be wrong; I want us to finally do the right thing, to make us ‘right’. And then I want to fall in love with you all over again.

Disgusted, at myself.

The day started perfect after a not so great yesterday. The sun was shining, Bob Marley was playing, and I was on my way to meet a friend for lunch.

Compare and contrast that to how I feel now. Ill, confused, neglected, and fucking disgusted at how incredibly depressed I am able to make myself feel. 

I tell myself that the world has problems, but honestly, I have some real horrible issues with myself. How can a person who has the capability of seriously enjoying life dig themselves into a firepit of self-loathe? 

Why is my glass not only half empty, but bone dry and chipped? Being ill for the past month has stressed my mind and body to oblivion, but having recovered and finally feeling refreshed, why am I so adamant that I want to drag my sorry ass back into a person I detest? 

I guess it must be the fact that in the past 48hours I have felt betrayed, abandoned, and used. The onus is on me to be strong and fight for myself but I am truly exhausted, and my body is reaping the rotten seeds that I sowed for myself.